Most people won’t understand the title of this post. And why should they? Most people decide they want a baby and they try (and some try harder/longer) and boom. 9 months later a little pooping machine pops out.
For those of us who haven’t been so fortunate, the things we’ll endure to try and get to that milestone can be pretty ridiculous.
Speaking of that milestone… I always hear people say “you’re a family too” but at the same time, being a family of 2 is easily discounted. Our schedule is seen as the most flexible, our finances less tied up. And for the most part that’s true. The reason it hurts so much when people make these assumptions isn’t because they aren’t sometimes true (not all the time; usually something is temporarily taking place of baby, like work). The reason it hurts so much is because it’s not how we want it to be. We don’t want to have the flexibility or the free cash. We’d rather be paying for dance classes and going to the science centre.
What’s the point? It’s that becoming a parent is a huge milestone in an adult’s life. In fact I’d go as far as to say it’s the next expected step. You’re born, you go to kindergarten, lose your first tooth, have your first kiss, graduate high school, graduate university. Then you find that magic person who completes you. After you find them, you marry and start your life together. Next, you start a family, watch your kids go through those milestones, become a grandparent, spoil your grandkids. This is the natural progression through life.
With infertility though, it’s not just “not having kids”. It’s the fact that the remainder of your life is no longer logical. Without having kids you don’t have those expected milestones like grandkids. You don’t experience those emotions and crazy, chaotic, insane moments. So instead of having 10 steps, your life stops at step 6 and you’re indefinitely stuck there. Waiting on the doorstep. Waiting to walk through the “we’re parents” door, but never getting the invitation. So all your friends move through more and more doors that you can’t even see yet because you’re still stuck behind.
Infertility is about so much more than just kids. It’s not just THIS MOMENT that is screwed up. It’s the rest of your life. And yes, you can revise your plan. But if you don’t WANT to revise your plan, it’s a pretty tough place to be stuck. Imagine for just a second if someone took away your kids, or your grandkids. And you could never see them again. Never smell their hair, or watch them sleep. Imagine you never got to know what kind of people they turned into. That you never got to see them fail or succeed. Now imagine that feeling for the rest of your life, not just while your eyes are closed in this moment. It’s a horribly empty feeling. In fact it’s one that you probably can’t actually imagine. Why would you want to imagine something so horrible? It’s like thinking – on purpose – about your dog dying. Or imagining how sad you’ll be when your parents are dead. Yeah. Normal people don’t do that shit.
So what does this have to do with Gonal-F? In fact, what the hell is Gonal-F? It’s a fertility drug, used to bump up follicle production in your ovaries. The plan is to get more eggs, hoping some of them will be good quality.
And it smells horrible. It’s this nasty medicinal yuck smell. That’s the best I can do. [update: you know that gross metallic taste you get from certain meds that lasts all day? Gonal-F smells the way that tastes!] Every time I open up my handy needle case that I carry everywhere (who knows where you’ll be when it’s 6:30!) I sigh. At least it’s only for 2 weeks at a time!
I’m going to blame drugs for making me feel so emotional. Between acupuncture, 2 new prescriptions, all the vitamins, minerals etc. they want me taking, I feel a bit like a science experiment. Tack on long work days and work stress and I feel like a bit of a zombie in my own life. Then trying to find time to make sure to relax… I will be relieved when this is over.
Until next time Gonal-F. Until next time.