Yes, I realize 4 doesn’t come immediately after 2. I missed Day 3. We had family dinner, so I was grateful for them in the moment, and didn’t need to blog about it. (At least that’s the version of the story we’ll go with!)
To Be Grateful for Silence.
Today was a rough day for me. I spent 45 minutes at Calgary Lab Services, waiting to have 13 vials of blood drawn for my new OBGYN who is working with us on fertility health. We want to be ready for DC. I’ve seen all these numbers before, but not for years. Now they will be 4 years worse, and that is horrifying for me. It’s one thing to have trouble getting pregnant and to go through failed IUIs, IVFs and other treatments. It’s a whole other thing to get test results that remind you pregnancy is somehow even LESS probable than before. My results were already dreary when we started this process. Egg quality doesn’t exactly get better over time.
I really miss blissful ignorance.
I know the odds have never been good. But even though I say the point of going to this doctor is to prep for DC, the truth is I’m hoping she works some weird naturopathic pseudo-science magic and helps us get pregnant so we can skip DC altogether.
My reaction today was weird, but really not that surprising. I’m sure the bloodwork had been subconsciously bothering me since the doctor assigned it. I hadn’t put 2 and 2 together though until I walked in this morning and my first reaction was to cry. I didn’t, but I really wanted to. The feelings were sudden and fierce.
It’s been years since we dealt with treatment. The ups and downs, heartbreak and crushed expectations. But here we are, climbing back onto that sinking ship. I thought it would be easier since we know the facts and diagnosis, know the odds, and are still willing to try. Turns out that I was wrong. The “medical” practice that is naturopathic treatment doesn’t offer us any real hope. I want to think it will help with fertility. I really do. And up until today I think I had an inkling of hope. But I’ve been crushed so many times that I am not even willing to go down that road again. I’m going to rely on trusty pessimism. I’d rather plan for the worst.
Hope? That’s for fools.
Today I’m supposed to be grateful for silence. That is exactly what I needed today. Silence allowed me the time to gather my crazy, out-of-control thoughts and organize them so I understood where my anxiety was coming from. It’s not a perfect day by any stretch; I’m looking forward to going to bed so I can just move on and forget it happened. But taking time to look inside myself and reflect on how I was feeling, and to acknowledge those feelings, means that I will be better equipped for happiness tomorrow.
Life isn’t perfect, and the sun isn’t always shining. I think the best trick is to figure out how to face the bad days head-on. Allowing yourself to honestly feel the pain, sorrow or anxiety of a bad day is not only healthy, but essential for moving past it. For me, this was the best advice a therapist ever gave me. Facing my worst days head-on, and allowing myself to feel, makes me appreciate my best days even more. It also reminds me that each day I have a choice to either continue to feel bad, or to start fresh.
Tomorrow will be a new, better day.